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Dr. Kalinda Rose Stevenson
Why Resistance Can Be Your Best Friend, Part II
Welcome back!
“Objection is when I say: this doesn’t suit me. Resistance is when I make sure that what doesn’t suit me never happens again.”
Ulrike Meinhof
“Just do it!”! Nike made this imperative its slogan. From a grammatical perspective, “Just do it!” is a complete sentence. What is particularly relevant is that an imperative is a sentence without a clearly defined subject. “You” are the implied subject of the imperative, but “you” are not specifically named.
When it comes to resistance to any type of imperative-especially the orders you give yourself-the identity of the missing “you” is the critical element to decide whether resistance is your best friend or an enemy to overcome.
The truth is that “you” are more than one “you.” There is the conditioned “you” who you does what you are told, wants to please others, and obeys orders. There is another “you.” This “you” is the authentic “You.”
One of the enduring human questions is why people are different. Is it a matter of “nature or nurture.” Are you a simply a product of your genes or your environment? Were you born a blank slate or were you born with innate talents, gifts, and purpose? Or to put it in technological terms: Were you born a blank disc, a preformatted disc, or a preloaded disc?
Although people have argued these questions for generations, it seems overwhelmingly likely that each of us is a combination of genes and experiences. Most parents will tell you that children demonstrate unique temperaments and personalities, even before birth. To continue the technological analogy: Each of us was born a preformatted disc rather than a blank disc or a disc with the content already preloaded.
What happens when you try to play a disc with the wrong format for your player? It won’t play. I have an old CD player. Sometimes, it won’t handle CDs recorded with newer technology. The CD player and the CD are simply not a match.
And this is the problem with imperatives such “”Just do it!” The real question is: Which “you” is being addressed? It is the authentic “You” or is it the conditioned “you”? who does what you are told? And which “you” is giving the order?
These distinctions might seem a bit complicated to sort out, but that is exactly the point. It’s one thing to resist when someone else tells you to “”Just do it!” It’s when you are telling yourself to “Just do it!” that the situation gets tricky.
This when it is critical to ask which “you” is giving this order. Are you telling yourself to “Just do it!” because the “you” who wants to please thinks you “should” or because your authentic self chooses to “Just do it!”
“Resistance to the organized mass can be effected only by the man who is as well organized in his individuality as the mass itself.”
Carl Gustav Jung
How can you tell the difference? The answer is: Resistance. Resistance to an imperative is a clear sign that your authentic “You” is refusing to do what your obedient “you” insists that you “should” do.
Let’s get specific. Let’s say that you decide to invest in real estate. You go to seminars, you buy courses, and you intend to get started-but you never do it. You tell yourself, “I’m too busy,” “I don’t know how,” “I don’t have enough money.” You tell yourself to “Just do it!”, but you don’t do it. What is going on here?
Here are two questions to help you determine whether your resistance is your best friend or your worst enemy. I have asked these questions to many people-students, coaching clients, friends, even myself-and have seen people discover amazing insights that move them beyond their own resistance to doing what they claimed they wanted to do.
In this example, the first question asks: “Why SHOULD I invest in real estate?”
You write down: “I SHOULD invest in real estate because…….
And then you write down all of the reasons why you SHOULD “Just do it!”
After you have written down as many reasons as you can why you SHOULD invest in real estate, you are ready for the second question.
The second question asks: Why do I REFUSE to invest in real estate?
You write down: “I REFUSE to invest in real state because……
And then you write down all of the reason why you REFUSE to “Just do it!”
Whether it is investing in real estate, writing a book, losing 25 pounds, learning skydiving, or anything you claim that you want to do, these two questions are extraordinarily powerful tools to get to the root of resistance.
Everyone can always answer the first question about why they “should.” When it comes to the second question, most people protest. They say, “I am not refusing to do this.” They always have good reasons why “I can’t,” but are very reluctant to even consider that the real problem is “I won’t.”
But if you ask this question-really ask it-and probe until you find the answer, at some point you will discover that the real reason you are not doing whatever you claim you want to do is that your authentic self is refusing to do it. Somehow, this thing that you are commanding yourself to do feels like a violation of your authentic self.
“The resistance that you fight physically in the gym and the resistance that you fight in life can only build a strong character.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger
And this is why resistance is often your best friend. Resistance is the guerrilla tactic of the authentic “You.” The real you-the authentic “You”-is rebelling against doing what you “should.” Somehow, doing this thing that the conditioned “you” is trying to force yourself to do is incongruent with the real “You.”
Resistance is the result of a conflict between “I should” and “I refuse.” And this is where we return to the theme in Part I. Resistance avoids the pitch, whether the pitch comes from someone else or whether it comes from your conditioned self. In either case, the imperative to “Just do it!” violates the authentic “You.”
When prodded and pushed to do what it does not choose to do, the authentic “You” turns into a two-year old having a tantrum. The more the authentic “You” is pushed to do what it does not choose to do, the more resistant “You” become to doing it.
“Our energy is in proportion to the resistance it meets.”
William Hazlitt
The fact is, “You” will not resist an action that is consistent with your own values, gifts, talents, and sense of purpose. “You” will resist when you are being pushed to do what “You” don’t truly choose to do. And this is the reason why resistance can be your best friend. Resistance lets you know when “You”-the authentic “You”-is missing from the imperative.
This article was originally published October 31, 2006
http://www.abundantlyalivenow.com/archive/AANN-2006-10-31.htm.
Find out how partnerships can be the fastest route
to real estate profit.
http://www.nomoneylimits.com/partnerforprofitsebook.htm
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Why Resistance Can Be Your Best Friend
“The path of least resistance is the path of the loser.”
H. G. Wells
Why is it so difficult to change? When you decide that you are going to make a change in your life, why do you find it so difficult to follow through? Why do you keep falling back into old patterns?
There is no simple answer to this question, because change involves so many factors. It’s something like playing the game of “Pickup Sticks.” I don’t know if children still play Pickup Sticks in an era of electronic games, but it was one of my favorite childhood games. You dump a pile of colored sticks on the table, and then attempt to move them, one at a time, without moving the other sticks.
I’d like to pull out one stick from the pile-the stick called “resistance”-to ask the question: Why do we resist change, even when it is something we claim we want, even when the proposed change would be “good for us?”
Often, resistance is labeled as a problem. Resistance is the enemy to overcome. We have all heard that claim that “What you resist persists.” Maybe this is true. And maybe the secret to change is to overcome our own resistance. Or maybe the situation is not so simple.
The idea that we are resisting what is “good for us” is a clue that maybe things are not what they seem. Maybe resistance to change is a way to protect ourselves against manipulation.
“The history of liberty is a history of resistance.”
Woodrow T. Wilson
Every day, we hear from people who claim to know what is good for us. The messages about what it “good for us” come from our families and our friends. The messages also come from a barrage of advertising, including floods of emails telling us that we must jump on the latest promotion to buy a book, join a program, or attend a seminar.
Dave Lakhani, in his book, Persuasion, makes the point that the difference between persuasion and manipulation is the intention of the one doing the pitching.
Our lives are filled with sales pitches. Soft sells, hard sells, it doesn’t matter. We are being told again and again, “I know what is best for you.” And what we have all come to understand is that much of what we are told is “good for you” is outright manipulation. Most of us have become very wary of sales pitches disguised as genuine concern for our wellbeing.
“The path of least resistance and least trouble is a mental rut already made. It requires troublesome work to undertake the alternation of old beliefs.”
John Dewey
It’s no accident that we use the word “pitch” to describe an effort to sell. It’s World Series Time again. Although I rarely watch professional sports, I sometimes watch baseball during the playoffs and World Series.
“A pitcher will never be a big winner until he hates hitters.”
Early Wynn
At its core, baseball is a duel between the pitcher and the batter. The pitcher intends to throw balls the batter cannot hit. The batter attempts to hit the balls, despite the pitcher’s effort to throw unhittable balls. Behind the windup ritual and the game of signals with the catcher, the pitcher is engaged in an elaborate game of manipulation. The best pitchers are the ones who can trick the batters with an arsenal of pitches designed to defeat the batter. What you see is not what you get.
“Pitchers did me a favor when they knocked me down. It made me more determined. I wouldn’t let that pitcher get me out. They say you can’t hit if you’re on your back, but I didn’t hit on my back. I got up.”
Frank Robinson
Pitchers can throw fast balls, changeups, sliders. The ball that seems to be heading straight across home plate suddenly drops into the dirt, and the batter swings mightily at empty space. Or the ball that seems to be outside the strike zone suddenly curves across the plate. And sometimes, the pitcher throws a perfect pitch straight across the plate. The pitcher’s intention is to have batters swing wildly at balls and not swing at strikes.
All too often sales pitches are the same as baseball pitches. They are intended to manipulate us into doing what is not in our own best interests. And so we have learned to distrust pitches and those who do the pitching. In other words, we have learned to resist being sold.
And while the World Series is on, we are also in election season, being assaulted on a daily basis with pitches about candidates and propositions. Right now, in California, anyone who turns on TV is assaulted with an endless series of ads about various propositions on the November ballot.
The State of California sent out a 191 page “Official Voter Information Guide.” 191 pages of fine print, outlining proposed laws, written in legal language that make it impossible to understand exactly what the laws are supposed to do.
Experts claim that the average adult reads one book a year. And yet, this non-reading population is supposed to read a 191 page legal document. Meanwhile, special interest groups are spending millions of dollars to run ads for and against these propositions.
Most voters have learned by now that the propositions themselves are an exercise in manipulation. They are not what they claim to be and do not benefit the people they claim to benefit.
So, in addition to pitchers who throw curve balls, politicians who spin the truth, advertising pitches that claim to know what is best for us, we also have families and friends attempting to persuade us to do whatever they want us to do. And except for the baseball pitchers, all of these pitchers claim to have our best interests at heart. At least in baseball, you know that the pitcher is trying to strike you out.
“The path of least resistance makes all rivers, and some men, crooked.”
Napoleon Hill
From this perspective, resistance to change is a way to protect yourself from manipulation by people who claim to have your best interest in mind, but in fact care only about getting something from you. In the face of such pitchers, your own resistance is your best friend.
This article was originally published October 24, 2006
http://www.abundantlyalivenow.com/archive/AANN-2006-10-24.htm.
Find out how partnerships can be the fastest route
to real estate profit.
http://www.nomoneylimits.com/partnerforprofitsebook.htm
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